I know she's dead.....

.......but you BITCH.....................

Yet More Ramblings.....

When karma attacks Republicans.

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I can say I knew him when he was a kid - REALLY! (Summer Stock theatre - a thousand years ago)

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Sing it with me......bum, bum, bum.....another one bites the dust.

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Keeping the stereotype alive one bimbo at a time.......

The FYYFF-ies - Week 34

Okay, and breathe. Life is somewhat back to normal now that the show has opened. And I promise to start doing these on the weekend.

This week's award winner is:



AMY "REHAB" WINEHOUSE

Amy, Amy, Amy........have you learned NOTHING from Kate Moss' train-wreck-of-a-boyfriend?!?!?! You seem to be talented - I mean, your album has sold well and critics seems to love you and you sell out concert venues. So why oh why are you fucking it all up? Self-inflicted injuries, heroin addition, professional boozing, possibly abusive husband, Pavarotti-like show cancellations - come ON!!!!!! If they are trying to make you go to rehab, you better say YES YES YES before you don't have a career or a life.

So take this trophy, look at it, smack your husband with it, and let it be a warning. (I probably should say SLAP, not SMACK.....)

Don't make me mock the hair, Amy.........don't make me do it...............

Another Opening......Get the Depends.

Well, PARADISE LOST opens in about 2 1/2 hours. I am running the gamut of emotions as I type this. Let's hope I do it on the stage tonight!

A big thank you to those of you who made it to the previews. Your kinds words were greatly appreciated.

AAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNND HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!

Attempt.

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt"

- William Shakespeare, MEASURE FOR MEASURE - Act I, Scene IV

I was born a small black child.....

I just love this picture. It makes me smile, and I need a pick-me-up...and a nap.

Why People are Stupid - Reason #724

A woman who was stopped by a security guard after leaving a store with a pair of shoplifted jeans in White Plains, N.Y., told the security guard she couldn't be arrested, saying, "It's too late, I already left the store," police said.

PLEASE tell me she hasn't reproduced.........

The FYYFF-ies - Week 33

Sorry I'm late, but I've been in rehearsals all weekend. Sorry to disappoint my three readers.

In any event, I DID get a few minutes to watch MEET THE PRESS on Sunday.

Here is this week's winner:




KARL "THE PUPPET MASTER" ROVE

I only watched about 5 minutes, but in that time I yelled at the TV three times. He had the audacity to sit and put a positive spin on all the things Georgie, his administration, and he had done. It was nauseating. Someone PLEASE get on the ball and arrest him and Rumsfeld and Dickie Cheney for SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

Carry on, Mr. Rove - with your trophy in private, jackass.

Owee Owee Owee, ya DUMBASS.....

Sweet Mother of God, people like this make me feel like a rocket scientist.

Clarifications

Some things to clean up, people:

1 - I am ALWAYS hesitant of posting political commentary, since my argument, if pushed, would be to scream "BUSH SUCKS - VIVA LOS DEMOCRATS!", then sip my cosmo. And I ALWAYS try to remind people that Andymatic does it SOOOOOO much better than me (and he's a cutie, too). But, in my old age, I try. Bush does suck, and democrats need to pounce on that. PLEASE don't fuck that up.

2 - At least 15 people have commented on how "I was robbed" at the Jeff Awards, as recently as this past weekend. People, people, people......I appreciate the fact that you think I should have an award - that is very sweet and very humbling. But honestly, I never had it to begin with, so it couldn't have been stolen from me, if that makes ANY sense? Plus, it makes it sound as if the other winners weren't deserving. I got a lovely certificate for the nomination, suitable for framing if I deem it necessary. But most importantly, I can scan the thing and send it to my mother, who will be beside herself with joy - she and my sister are my biggest fans anyway. If I remember, I'll post what winner Terry Hamilton sent to me regarding my nerves about the Jeff Awards - the man is brilliant and deserving of EVERY award he gets. (This is, by the way, not a slam to any other Jeff Award winners!!!!)

3 - I go through weight/body issues like tissues. Lately, I haven't been able to get to the gym due to rehearsals for my next show. I was doing well up to that point, and now I feel like a lump. That's when ANY comments including the words BIG, LARGE, BEAR, or any combination of the three makes me cranky. And DON'T tell me I've lost weight either, people - you are just lying.

4 - Yes, I'm a bitch and yes, I have issues - we ALL can be/have them. But most importantly, yes, I recognize these things and am fine with it. It's part of my "charm". So back off or I'll cut ya.

My new "boyfriend"

Say hello to my new, and completely imaginary, boyfriend -



Ladies and gentlemen, meet Simon Pegg. Isn't he adorable?

You might ask "how did you two meet?" On Friday, I was in the video store (front section for a change) and saw that HOT FUZZ was available. "Hmm, I heard this was funny - it's by those crazy guys who did SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I haven't seen yet", I thought to myself. I rented it and was on my way

On Saturday, I avoided Market Days like the plague and remembered that a crazy girl burned me a copy of SHAUN. So I watched that.

These blokes are freaking hysterical. And I highly recommend the movies. You could probably watch both in an evening and you WILL NOT be disappointed.

So back to Simon. He co-wrote both movies, has brilliant comic timing, and can handle the tough guy and dramatic stuff. In short (or at least average), he gives me a "talent chubby".

Here's a great photo he took with his SHAUN and FUZZ co-star, Nick Frost. I want to be Nick in this picture. (From the Karl J. Kaul website)



Sigh......need to get laid, need to get laid.................

The FYYFF-ies - Week 32

This week's award is a cautionary warning to a group who I PRAY can get their shit together, thin the herd, and send forth the best it has to offer.
Now I'm not really giving them the award.....well now wait, let's not say that. Let's say it is in a display case so all of them can easily see it.

So pay attention!!!!!!!!!



DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES

I'll make this simple.

Gravel - you are kinda grumpy. Go away.
Dodd - WHO? Go away.
Richardson - Sweet Jesus, STOP TALKING. I had a bit of respect for you when you WEREN'T a candidate- GAY IS A CHOICE???? Go away.
Biden - You are a son of a bitch and I don't trust a guy with hair plugs. Go away.
Kucinich - Sir, you are okay. But you aren't going to get the nomination. Go away (and come back as a VP candidate)
This leaves the big three:
Obama - You, sir, seem to be in WWWWAAAAAAAYYYYYYY over your head. You aren't capturing the nation, I don't think, as you should be. Go away (and come back in 2012, PLEASE)
Edwards - You are getting too smart alecky for your own good I fear. Go away (and spend time with Elizabeth and the kids, PLEASE!!!!)
This leaves---------(ohmygod, wait for it---------------------------------)
Hillary Rodham Pufnstuf - Lady, you got some enormous testicles to be running as a presidential candidate. You are as warm as ice cream in the North Pole, as trustworthy as Benedict Arnold, and if I see one more pant suit, I think I shall hurl. But it seems to be your time, so carry on.........I guess.........
All of you get in a room, figure this shit out, and LET'S GET IT TOGETHER before Fred Thompson becomes the Republican candidate and STOMPS ON YOU!!!!! DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN - HE'S NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ACTOR!!!!!!!!!
See the trophy, note my disgust, and get your asses in gear.

Who Dat?

Clearly, You want GAY and not BUTCH

Jesus, people......when I "butch it up" and talk baseball, your skills to reply seem to disappear.

So let's talk about my office for a bit....I'll gay it up, I swear.

The comment "office boyfriend" came up in conversation last night. You know, the guy in the office you hang out with and people sometimes think you might be a gay couple. I thought, "NO, I don't have......wait a minute......."

I actually have an "office boyfriend". No, he's not gay, and no we don't have clandestine sessions with the glory hole in the mens' bathroom. Wait, did I say glory hole? I meant spy hole, so you can see if the guy in the next stall is alright if he falls down....yeah, that's what I meant to say......REALLY.

Anyhow, his name is Jason - he's sweet, and funny, and he can make any comment just as dirty as I can....sometimes quicker. This pleases me. There is one other who could replace Jason if he "pisses me off". His name is Brian, and he's also sweet and funny and though he can't turn a clean phrase dirty quickly, he'll do in a pinch, slap and tickle. If I'm bored, I like to think that they "fight over my attention and affection". Then the goddamn phone rings and RUINS EVERYTHING! Then there's one I just ogle subtly. You may think that's an oxymoron, but I have had YEARS of practice perfecting this look.

These three men make my job less sucky. Here's to them.

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I understand it's wrong to throw up after I eat. This supposedly means I have a problem. But how else am I going to get SUPER MODEL THIN??????

(Okay, I don't really do that. It's just with rehearsals, I have NO TIME for the gym since July 9th and I feel like I put back on everything it took me 2 1/2 months to take off and shape. And ANY comment or joke about me being big, or cuddly, or bear-like just displeases me - REALLY displeases me.)

Okay, discuss.......

Take THAT, Baseball...

Shit.

No, I'm not a baseball fan, by the way. I just think this guy's a fucker.
Now, let's NEVER speak of this again.

....and blah blah blah

Saturday night, I decided to have a social life and go out with couple Justin and Mark. I was in a foul, sarcastic mood for some reason, or crankily witty, or something. Our destinations were as follows:

1 - Halsted Grill. Love what they've done with the old Voltaire space (I never went in when it was X/O). Our waiter, Greg, was an absolute doll. And they served Tater Tots. Good time, and the crowd was much more mature than I expected.

2 - Buck's. I don't know why I don't go here more. Unfortunately, the patio was closed (late or due to rain, I don't know). And since I've quit smoking (7 months today), I can't stay in these places very long. Once again, a more mature crowd, and some eye contact was made with cute strangers. Of course, nothing happened....

3 - North End. I REALLY don't know why I don't go HERE more. Everytime I've been, which is a handful of times, I have a great time. Got served by a porn star (I'll just say I've seen his work and I am....uh....impressed).And once again, the crowd is more to my liking (you mean "girls) stay at Roscoe's). MORE eye contact. I was actually feeling a bit attractive. Plus I got a free shot for knowing Adrien Brody won an Oscar for THE PIANIST.

By the end of the evening, I was feeling MUCH BETTER. It's nice to remember to go out and have fun (and knowing, of course, that you won't meet new people in your own apartment).

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Rehearsals for my new show, PARADISE LOST, have been amazing. It is so nice to sink your teeth into something this meaty and explore. I love the director and the cast. I look forward to see what people will think of this.....

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I never thought I would see this. There was a large pile of poo on the Argyle platform this morning. It was not from a pet.

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The FYYFF-ies - Week 31

Give another FYYFFie to Mr. Steroid. Inject it, bitch.

(This covers tying the record and eventually breaking it, which makes me angry and sad and poopy)

I hate you, Barry Bonds. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE you.