Did you hear the one about the jackass.....

From my friend John.....

Donald Rumsfeld is giving W. his daily briefing and tells him that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq. W. says, "that's absolutely terrible" and is at a loss for words. He holds his head in his hands for several minutes.

His staff are amazed at the response and the whole room remains silent.

Finally W. lifts his head from the table and says, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

200 lbs. of Vodka....and other news

On Friday night, with my friends Ernie, Logan, and Mark, I tried to drink my weight in vodka. We were having a GREAT time, then it was 3 a.m., then I needed to leave, then I woke up the next day, then had breakfast, then lost that breakfast, then stayed in my bedroom because my eyeballs were throbbing. I did not feel corrected until 7 p.m. that night. I have not done that in a long time. Shit, that hurt.

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I noticed the geese flying away on Sunday. There seemed to be a lot of them. For a second, I thought THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW was going to be a reality. And if it WAS a reality, I hoped it would be better than the film.

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Went to a private party at Madrigal's on Sunday. It was a waste of money and time. The dancers were GORGEOUS (including porn star Jason Adonis), but for my money, I think I'll rent some porn and pop some corn. HUGE mix of people there. One guy could have passed for Bruch Vilanch's twin brother. It was a bit disturbing.....

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So I was chatting with my buddy Ryan about dating horror stories involving or not involving the bar scene. He gave me this gem:

I know that my friend QUEQUAH* had a very hard time dating in Chicago, but he rarely went to bars. It wasn't his market. Someone actually told him on a date that they thought he was too ugly for a second date. I was astounded when I heard that. Now he lives in Oakland with his lover in a big house, owns a cafe, and adores it.

*Name changed JUST in case.....

I LOVE that story......

Someday my prince will come.........

Awwww.....Autumn.......

Time to tread into the first weekend of Fall.......although I do have some really cute sweaters.

And please enjoy this hysterical blog.

*sigh*.....there she goes.....and other rot

Well, today is the last official day of summer for 2005. I actually made sure I enjoyed it this year. I truly did.........
Now PLEASE let there be a Fall before the ball freezing cool of Winter rears its malicious head..........

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Saw TIME AND THE CONWAYS on Sunday. Talky little bit of theatre, but some very good performances. Check it out if you can. The after party made me late for work on Monday. When you are having such a good time with good friends, why cut it short due to something silly like work the next day? However, I had a slight Marlboro relapse (only two cigarettes), but am back to not smoking tobacco. Grand evening though......

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What is it that makes us give and give and give of ourselves for certain friends, only to realize way too late in the game that you are being used and underappreciated? And no, I'm not talking about a boyfriend or anyone who posts here (gotta make that clear........)
I think it's time to live alone.........

That's THIS week?!?!?!

You know, I am NOTORIOUS for saying I'm free to do something, then forgetting I've made plans for something else. Invariably, it is sheer hell to get it ironed out sometimes. I always swear when it happens again, I'll get a planner and keep track of this stuff. Like this weekend, I made plans with my friend Wydetta, then realized I had made a commitment weeks before to something else AND DIDN'T WRITE IT DOWN! I'd like to blame it on age......wait, that probably is part of the reason anyway......aw, shit. Seriously, can I become famous so I can pay someone to do this for me????

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Those of you who know me know I have gone 42 years without a cell phone. I have been pleased about this - actually bragging that I don't need one. Well, I chose to get a "temporary" one for my trip to NYC, and had every intention of getting rid of it when I got back.
Well, guess what? I have a cell phone. Thanks to a sensible plan from the Virgin store, I have a phone I will barely use, but I have one. They make it hard to say no.....the bastards.
An iPod is next I guess..........

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Day 11 of not smoking cigarettes. It's getting easier, but certain people REALLY are pushing my patience (and before anybody who posts here gets their panties in a bundle, it's noone here!)

Have a grand weekend, mah bitches..................

My Dinner with Michael & Elwood and other news

I had dinner last night with my friend Michael and his man Elwood. We ended up going to a great Mexican restaurant. (I'm sorry your food was so spicy Michael!) They have a great condo with MILLIONS of collectibles......we're talking Simpsons, King of the Hill, John Carpenter's THE THING, George Romero memorabilia, Charlie's Angels, ET, Edward Scissorhands, and MORE Simpsons. Knick knack insanity. Moving to another place would SUCK so much with all that stuff........
Anyhow, the more I hang out with people who love movies, the more I realize I've missed a shitload of good movies. I should just lock myself in my apartment, tell these people to give me 3 movies I should absolutely watch, get a ton of popcorn, mix a pitcher of cosmos, and have at it! Ah, for the time to do that.......

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A couple of you have asked me about the little spat with ANONYMOUS. Everything is fine. He owes me a drink, though........

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The press release is out for the next show I'm doing. I was going to take the fall off, but this is low commitment and will be over on Halloween. Visit the Hell In A Handbag website for more information.

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Somtimes I just wanna not work. Then the whole reality/insurance/able to buy nice things issue kicks in. Dammit.........I wanna win the lottery.

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The band MY MORNING JACKET makes me want to shoot puppies. Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up already....................

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Still not smoking cigarettes. I'm on day 10. Wish me luck.......it sucks.

For the love of.......

So there's W's picture on the front of the papers, taking blame for the FEMA mess.

Fucking Ass Monkey..........

Sexy thought for the day.....

So I was going to rant and rave about the gay male image and how some of us who are good looking don't seem to understand what us not as attractive/few extra pounds/dates much less go through. My friend did not mean to be insulting or insensitive at all, but it came across that way.....ANYWHO...........I decided to leave you with this:

The world would be a much better place if everyone heard cheesy 70's porn music and Barry White's voice saying "AWWWWW YEAH" in their heads.


Awwww, God bless the Walrus of Love..............

I Missed PTERODACTYL!?!?....and other news

So about three weeks ago, I'm flipping through the channels and come across golf where the Sci Fi Channel should be. I just found out the other day it's moved out of the range of my TV. This makes me sad. If I chose to waste the day watching crap, the Sci Fi Channel was the place to do it. With movies such as FRANKENFISH, Boa VS. Python, and Sabretooth, how the hell could you go wrong. I am truly pissed I was unable to view Pterodactyl starring Coolio!!!!! DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT!!!!!! WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A 24 HOUR GOLF CHANNEL!??!?!?!?!?!

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I like to pride myself on the fact that I have some kind of intelligence. And I try to keep my blog as entertaining as possible (to all of you who spoke to me, I APOLOGIZE FOR THE BASEBALL BLOG - IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!) But I try not to get too political. Andymatic takes care of that. He a great guy (and cute too) and I feel retarded when I'm around him. Check him out. And for unbridled bitching and silliness, Klugula makes me smile.....SO READ IT!

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I saw my ex on the street on Monday.....he has a blog, but don't read it - your head will hurt.....HEE SPELS PORRLY.

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....and I'm not taking the full fall off from theatre.......come see it!

HANDBAG'S NEXT SHOW-THE TWILIGHT GALLERY
The Twilight Gallery will play at Theatre Building Chicago. Latenight Fridays and Saturdays Oct. 7 - Oct. 29 Special Primetime Twilight Gallery "Marathon" Oct. 31, Nov. 3 & 4

Eyes by David Cerda
The Diary by Ed Jones
Nightmare at 20,000 Feet by Tim Howard
A Critical Juncture by Aaron Smith
The Most Unusual Pictures by Steve "Jay" Johnson
Come and Knock At Our Door by David Cerda

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I wish I'd been to New Orleans. My thoughts are with all of those people.

NYC - Wrappin' it up..........

Well, I'm caught up at work (summer is the time to take a vacation because not a lot of mail crossed my desk - THIS ROCKS!) so I can now recap my trip to NYC:

The Museum of Sex -Interesting in principle, but a bit of a ripoff, although there was gay porn.
Central Park - The long and winding road that leads to.....somewhere. Beautiful though.
Carnegie Deli - I ate more corned beef in one sitting than I have in the past 6 years.....and paid $17,000.00 to do so. Jesus Christ.......
Chelsea - Spent four days in a B & B there. LOVED IT!
Greenwich Village/Christopher St. - Scenic and fun and oh so much to see.
The Chelsea Pines Inn - The B & B spoken of. Movie star themed rooms. I was in the Troy Donahue room (a poster of A SUMMER PLACE over my bed). I HIGHLY recommend this gay owned establishment on your next visit. It's GREAT!!!
Ground Zero - Made me angry (how could this have happened) then amazed (how can these people walk by this EVERY SINGLE DAY?)
St. Paul's Chapel - A haven during 9/11. Stirring memorabilia. This is where I cried.
Tabla - Indian fusion restaurant on Madison at 25th or 26th. Holy Cow, that place was excellent!
NYC International Fringe Festival - the whole reason I was there. Great review in the NY Times (the picture above of me and Merrie Greenfield courtesy of the NY Times website taken by Dixie Sheridan)and all 5 shows sold out!
The space was rough (The Ace of Clubs....rock venue + theatre = problems), but we overcame it. I will miss doing the show with this cast.
Saw old friends and met some new ones. Ate some fabulous meals, saw some beautiful boys, drank in some great clubs, and did get some resting in too. By the end of the 10 days, I was wiped out.

It had been 25 years since I'd been to NYC. I am already thinking of going for a long weekend in November. I loved it that much.

Thank you NYC......for EVERYTHING.